INTROVERTS

PLEASE READ….

I really need to get this off my chest because it has been bothering me a long time. So, here goes.

As an introvert, it is beyond hard to understand how other people can connect with strangers/people they barely know so easily. And when I say this, they say, “You just need to put yourself out there more!” And I know that a part of being an introvert is having to go out of your comfort zone, like, a LOT, but it’s the fact that some people go on saying this without really knowing what it’s like. So, here’s what it’s like: If I don’t feel comfortable when I’m with a group of people, even when I’m with some of my good friends, it’s CRIPPLING to be the only quiet one there. I’m not blaming anyone else because it isn’t your job to include me in everything, of course not, but that is what it feels like. I feel like if I say anything, the breath will be ripped from me and then people will think I’m weird because it took so much courage just to give that small, useless addition to the conversation. Whenever I think of something I want to say, I’ve been thinking about it for the whole conversation, just listening to it, and therefore it feels too personal, too profound to say in front of a large audience. This is one of the faults in an introverts mind, and I fully admit that. My introversion is without a doubt my greatest insecurity. We think too much, and suddenly any thought we feel at first is good enough to voice will be silenced by the lighthearted subjects of groups’ conversation topics, even though what we’re thinking of saying is probably a perfectly normal thing to say.

A sort-of friend of mine once rudely told me that he thought when I first moved to Maine that I was a boring person because I never talked to anyone. I know you’re not boring now, he said. Because I actually started talking to you.

Please, please, everyone. Know this. Just because we are quiet doesn’t mean we are uninteresting. I know a lot of people know this, but some people like this friend of mine don’t. Being quiet just means we are thinking, observing, taking life in. There’s no problem in taking life in without thinking; I fully support that. When my friend said this to me, frankly I was really hurt afterwards even though he said he knew I wasn’t boring know. But it stung. I forgive him for it, but it hurts—and it’s an honestly unfortunate fact of our society that the people who can strut around confidently without fear of rejection assume the blandness of people who aren’t like them.

Those of you who ARE confident, who CAN walk around without fear of rejection, that’s awesome for you. Part of me envies you, but part of me is also okay with the way I am. I only want people to understand this concept of Elsewhere. It’s our comfort zone, it’s our refuge. And it’s hard for us to get out of and stay out of. It takes a lot of courage, at least for me. I know it does for other introverts, too.

I just want people to understand.

LIFE!

So, how's life, guys?

Life's pretty good for me over here, I suppose. I've been down in the dumps these past few days for reasons unbeknownst to myself, but I'm better now. I had writer's block for quite a long time, but I listened to a lot of music and ate some oranges, stared at my ceiling, tweeted some people, reblogged some things on Tumblr, oh, and WATCHED THE NEW EPISODES OF SHERLOCK (which were really good, if you can't deduct this from my capital-letter screaming), and I seem to be fine now. I also started a new story, which probably helped. I need a break from the Daphne chronicles, probably because I've been trying to figure out what's supposed to happen in the second book for so long and I just can't figure it out. I've been racking my brain thinking of possible scenarios for what should happen but none of them feel right, at least when I start to write them. At first the idea of them seems great, but then I write the words out and it's like forcing myself to throw up something I really wanted to keep down. Very unpleasant business.

I passed all my finals! Phew! I got As and Bs on all of them, including chemistry and math, which are the two I was most worried about. I got a lower grade on my health final that all of my finals (even chemistry). What does that say about me?

Mostly that I hate health. Which, of course, I do. Doesn't everyone? The only useful thing I ever learned in that class that I didn't already know was to never go to Beijing or you'll end up with the lungs of a 20-year smoker after five minutes. Rough life for them, huh? Well, it actually is, and I wish I could do something about all the world's problems. But how could we possibly fix a toxic cloud that will never stop moving around the world? Meanwhile it's ripping holes in the ozone layer and us humans are down here, exposed, with nothing to fend for ourselves with except SPF 150 sunscreen (I dunno, does that even exist? If not, we might need it) and solar panels. Of course, for the solar panels to be protection we'd have to stay under them, like, all the time, or inside of a solar panel. Oh! Like a solar panel building! Maybe I should consult the government about making those in case the apocalypse comes in the form of a 198 million square-mile hole in the ozone layer, which is to say a nonexistent one.

Anyways, in other news, I've published a book! It's called The Ignorance of Me, Daphne Willowston and it is available on Amazon for purchase. Please leave feedback...I love feedback, even if it's in the form of many insults and put-downs. Hey, it all benefits me in some way.

Also in other news, I'm visiting Washington in nineteen days! Words cannot describe my utter excitement, but also nervousness, because I've never traveled alone in my entire fifteen years of life and I'm terrified I'll get lost or embarrass myself. I don't know why embarrassing myself when I'm alone would be different than embarrassing myself when I'm with my family, but possibly it's because I would not have a taller (familiar) human to hide behind when I need one, because I sure as heck am not going to hide behind a complete stranger if I do something embarrassing, because they'd also be laughing at me, and what's the point of hiding behind someone who's laughing at you? It's just a ineffective facade, if you ask me.

Well, my eyelids are rather droopy, so I will be going now. Vankampenator out.

New Years Resolutions

I just figured out how to make a line break on here without the tag...ha-ha.

Anyways, happy 2014! I can't think of an accurate way to sum up 2013, because these basic things happened:

-I had an amazing track season: I got 5:52 in the mile run, and 12:34 in the 2-mile run, and also broke 3:00 in the 800-meter, which I'd been trying to do for a long time
-Got a varsity letter in track
-I edited my first book (still not finished, but it's coming soon)
-I moved to Maine from Washington, and along the way went to the following places: Hayward field (Prefontaine's track), the Redwood forest, Sacramento (visited my family), San Francisco, Legoland, certain parts of SoCal (visiting more family), Mojave Desert (Joshua Tree Nat'l Park), Pheonix, Arizona (visiting my grandma), Santa Fe, New Mexico (visiting more family), Taos Pueblo and Sancturio de Chimayo, much of the Midwest (we literally drove straight through in two days up to D.C.), Washington D.C., and finally Brunswick, Maine, my new home.
-Visited the biggest antique shop in Maine (Elmer's Barn in Coopers Mills, Maine)
-Started running with a new cross country team (they're super awesome and great)
-I started a new school. It was honestly a little horrible at first because I didn't know anything or anybody, but it's okay now.
-got second place in yankee candle fundraising (by $2, really?)
-Got fourth place in the last JV race of the XC season (1: still two minutes behind my PR, but it was a season's best 2: I'm having a lot of trouble with running lately...my mom thinks I have a mental block, and she's probably right)
-Reached the one-year anniversary with my boyfriend (September 9th) :)
-Went to New York two times: once in late August, for my birthday, and once in late December for my sister's birthday
-Discovered I wanted to live in New York and go to college there
-Started writing a graphic novel with one of my friends
-Started my first indoor track season
-Finished my second NaNoWriMo novel (you can read about it on my writing blog, www.covertocover-em.blogspot.com
-Got my first-ever F on a test (1: It was an honors chemistry test 2: not a good thing, but definitely worth making note of)
-Got my first-ever B on a chemistry test (it was on ions)
-Spent New Year's Eve with my favorite people (my XC team)

And that's my 2013 for you! It was a good year and I learned a lot and had a lot of fun besides all of the moving jitters, you know?

I do have a few New Year's Resolutions, most of which I will probably make up on the spot.

-Self-publish The Ignorance of Me, Daphne Willowston
-Make a fan page for my writing
-Eat healthier
-Ace or B all my midterms and finals (the hard ones will be chemistry and Algebra II)
-Reach my PRs again in the mile, 2-mile, and 800-meter (listed above)
-Visit Washington at least twice
-Write a short story
-Read 100 books
-Be more social
-Let a lot of people read my stories
-Keep playing the cello
-Keep dreaming
-Be more kind to others
-Try new things

Happy New Year, readers! :)